Book Review - I am an Island - Tamsin Calidas
No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
John Donne
When I was a bit younger I used to say to myself that ‘I was an island’ because there were times that I felt so cut adrift from other people, for a variety of reasons, and that I didn’t need anyone else. It was a mixture of broken thinking, loneliness and a bit of bravado. It’s what I thought about when I saw this books title and was thinking about writing my book review.
Change
I always like a book that starts with the possibility of change, as ‘I am an island does,’ where we find Tamsin Calidas looking out across the waves towards an island, as she and her husband consider the possibility of giving up their lives in London to start a new life in the wild extremes of Scotland.
We learn that life in the city had take it’s toll - violence and burglary amongst other stresses, anxiety and panic grinding away at their nerves. The endless slogging away at work. So they do something about it, and the book starts.
‘Growth is not always easy, and sometimes a new seed has to be encouraged, even forced, to grow.’
Island Life
Although Tamsin Calidas and her husband Rob embrace the island life, renovating the cottage and working their croft, life soon becomes a struggle. Some of the islanders display hostility towards the outsiders, and there is a lot of pain and grief. A lot of grief.
‘You do not belong here. This island will never be your home,’ says one neighbour. I think attempting to integrate into any tight knit community is always going to be difficult, especially so on a remote Scottish Island, where connections have been forged over generations. And adapting to the life of a Hebridean farmer was also going to be tough and I found some of their expectations to be a bit naive to begin with. But some of the attitudes and rampant misogyny are horrendous.
Tamsin suffers badly with both grief and physical injuries, particularly to her hands, making life impossible. But she finds strength in nature, and throws herself into her life, making the croft work. It becomes not about living, but about survival. Everytime she gets knocked down, and there are some knockout blows delivered, she somehow manages to get up again. Until she can’t.
Loneliness and Solitude
Loneliness is different from solitude, and the loneliness Tamsin experinces here is crippling, the type that ‘even frightens the birds away.’ I found it interesting too when she says that compassion, not hostility, becomes dangerous, as the smallest intimacy can lure you into ‘mistakenly feeling warm, safe and supported. ‘
Her only true friend on the island, Cristall, explains to her ‘that trees either instinctively nourish and sustain others, or incline away from their need or suffering’
‘Even a rock face is worn down by a steady cold drip of water.’
She loses touch with words, and starts to live outside, finding solace in the trees, where she at least feels safe. She can observe the birds, deer and hares and starts to scavenge. But the loss, grief and loneliness become overwhelming.
Finding strength in nature and cold water swimming
‘Finding strength in nature’ sounds so cliched when I write it down. But Tamsin Calid literally does this in ‘I am an island’, in extreme ways. I should put a warning into my review at this stage that there are references to suicide in this book and Tamsin finds herself at the edge of the world, ‘the only sensible resolution to a grind that has become untenable. I just never thought it would happen to me.’ I found this part of the book difficult, as you’re reading the honest, final thoughts of someone who is suicidal. There is thought of loved ones, guilt and anguish.
There’s no one easy answer as to how Tamsin finds her way back. She begins to heal by bending into nature, adjusting to the rhythms of the island. Cold water swimming becomes a habit and is described in a way that makes you imagine both pleasure and pain. She gives herself up to the embrace of the sea. ‘Salt can thaw the hardest ice. Tears can free the frozen voice inside.’ She finds peace because the extreme coldness she feels leaves no room for thoughts. And it’s amidst the freezing waves that she rediscovers the urge to survive, and to feel that she ‘still has love to give.’
This cold water swimming in the sea builds her inner resilence and creates a sense of gratitude for being alive again. It’s a long road, but it’s inspiring to read and a tough but beautiful story.
‘I am an island. I have a name. A fistful of wind is all my voice. I give to the sea that cold silence inside.’
She protects her solitude, guarding it to prevent it turning into severe loneliness again. But she has been hewn into a new shape by her experiences and works closely with nature, her only companion. She tunes into her instincts and her senses.
I am an Island Summary
There was a part of me glad at getting to the last page. Sections of ‘I am an island’ are so unrelentingly grim and cruel that it became difficult to return to the book. But it’s the small slivers of hope that keep you going and a there is a part of me in awe that she somehow managed to survive. Tamsin Calidas describes nature, her surroundings and her experiences at times with such poetic language that I found it an incredibly moving book. Definitely recommended but with the caveat that parts of it are very depressing.
As I got older, I realised that I wasn’t an Island. You have to be careful that solitude doesn’t turn into loneliness, which can happen quite easily. We do need people and support. There is an old Irish Phrase - Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireann na daoine. The loose translation of this is that ‘it is in each others shadows that people live,’ something I now hold to be true.
Book review - I am an island by Tamsin Calidas
292 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 7, 2020 by Transworld Digital
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